Being a mom is a mindfuck ngl
I became a mother. I stopped being a writer. It happened to me. Don’t let it happen to you.
I became a mother. I stopped being a writer. It happened to me. Don’t let it happen to you. I’m not a sob story. I’m running a press & one day I will write more again. I’m not worried. But I am sick of not writing, so I am writing this for whoever to read. I don’t much care. The point is it is a letter in a bottle, because I feel alone.
Being a mother makes you feel alone. Nobody understands what you are feeling. Unless they are mothers too. Most of the time mothers lie to themselves about the toll motherhood takes. They don’t want to dwell on it, be negative. So they pretend they are fine. Even if they are not.
I am honestly fine now. Being a mother is easy. It’s being a person too that’s so hard to do when you are pouring all your energy into a human, a hungry vessel, ready to be imprinted. You have a tiny window. Once that window closes, they are who they are. That is why I smiled at my baby boy from the start. Always. When he met my gaze. So that he knew I loved him & he was wanted here. I was happy to see him. Even at 4 am feedings. Even then. Even exhausted, wondering if I would ever want to fuck my husband or anyone again. Even then & I made sure to show him. Now when he smiles at strangers he beams. They are taken aback. It is the smile of unconditional love & nobody knows what the fuck that looks like. It looks like my son smiling.
Being a mom is a mindfuck. NGL. But it is a blessing. You no longer will give bullshit any time. No more time, even for yourself. You are a mother & whatever it is that drives you to get up in the morning, be it work, the love for your family or whatever sparks your soul in a daily way.
You can’t be selfish anymore. You are for everyone else. Which is not healthy. So you go mad for a bit till you remember to get yourself back despite being there for your loved ones & child/children.
October is almost over & I have not enjoyed my favorite month that much because all I do is work & be a mom. Even though I did fun things but those fun things either overlapped my work or mom life & usually both. I took my son everywhere. He was a hit at every book festival, book release party & reading he attended this summer & fall. Someone asked him if he was an angel sent from heaven. Others said they felt blessed because he had smiled at them.
My boy was the life of the party & not even a year old. He’s sociable because I have always encouraged him to be friendly. And yet as I drank my first glass of white wine at Bud Smith’s Forever Mag release party in that cool hotel in NYC, I was like I can’t escape it. I can’t stay up. I can’t party. Not like before, but also, its ok. I am still me & I will one day have more fun again. I’m not dead. My life isn’t over. It’s only just begun.